Gratitude Lists

So it's been a rough couple of years for me and my family. Not because of anything that has happened, but because of what, thanks to modern medical science, we know is going to happen. And though I  keep telling myself that there is no need to feel bad about it now, that there is plenty of time in the future to feel bad about it when it does happen, I have not been able to shake my worries and sadness.

You know that party game you play...if (fill in the blank) were going to happen, would you want to know beforehand? Well, I now know the answer to that for myself, regardless of what (fill in the blank) is. No, I don't want to know, not anything.

So for the past couple of years two recurrent thoughts have popped unbidden into my mind several times a day. Several times a day. Every day. One is "Nothing good is ever going to happen to me again" and the other is "I hate my life." The truth is that when I observe these thoughts consciously, I don't believe either of them. Yet until a few months ago they popped into my head repeatedly. Repeatedly. Did I mention, repeatedly? And daily. (Oh, and these thoughts are centered on me, when the looming problem doesn't even belong to me, but to someone I love. How messed up is that?)

As far as unbidden thoughts go, one could do better. Thinking about this, I remembered advice I read a long time ago about gratitude. About how the single best way to improve your attitude about your life is to practice gratitude. About how people required to write each day in a notebook a list of five things they were grateful for reported satisfaction with their lives to be significantly higher than before beginning this month-long experiment.

A month-long experient: I could do that. And so I started to think about five things I was grateful for each day. Or, I did it on the days I remembered. And it helped, but only a little bit. Only when I remembered. So I decided to write them down in one of my notebooks, when I remembered to. And that helped a bit more. And I remembered a bit more often to do it. But weeks would go by when I would forget, or I would just think my gratitude instead of going to where the notebook was and writing it down.

Then, in January, I decided to do it right. I got a dedicated gratitude notebook and I started writing down my lists. I love lists; I have a special place I keep all my lists and I refer to that place several times a day. So it wasn't really any big deal to add another list; it was kind of a pleasure actually. Why had I not been doing it already?

So here's the upshot: I write my gratitude list throughout the day, every day. And it's been more than a month since I've thought either of my unbidden thoughts. Well, I thought one yesterday and marvelled at how long it had been since I had thought it. And I was grateful for that. And I wrote it down.